Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
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You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?