Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick