Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

Every house has this drawer

Wise advice

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.