Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

I gave up going to work for lent.

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]