So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
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If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
*ernest hemingway voice*
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.