Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
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Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
“I wouldn’t.”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”