Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?