Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

So many pants.
So little yoga.

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity