Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
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When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog