Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

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Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

brian had himself a morning…

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.