Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
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Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
crying
