Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.