POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
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Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.
*youngest comes home from school with the flu*
Me: Not like that.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
me, too, girl. me, too.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this