POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
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Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?