POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
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VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside