Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me: