POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
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First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Love is in the air fryer.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.