Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

no regrets

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.