Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

twitter is a journey

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.