POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
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Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I’m not proud
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
LOL!
