POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
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Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Going to church you guys need anything
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
an octopus is just a wet spider
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.