Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.