Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list