Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
