Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
