Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die