police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
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Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?