Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.