[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
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I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you