[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
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Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk