Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about