Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.