Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
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I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face