Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.