Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
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“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.