Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
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I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together