*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
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Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Cat is stressing him out.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Buck naked
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing