*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

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Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land


People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”


your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids


Bad Responses to “I love you”:
– I’m sorry
– Lol good luck with that
– Who isn’t?
– I know, mom
– Does that mean I can have your office
– You fool. You silly little fool
– Prove it by naming me as your sole life insurance beneficiary


{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?


I keep my friends close *lean in, whisper* and my anemones closer
“Sir thats very fun but aquarium policy forbids sitting in the touch tank”


I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.


GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.


ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled


GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish