@mydmac

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

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@osoplain

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

@NomDeBenoit

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”

@MattOswaltVA

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

@abbycohenwl

Bad Responses to “I love you”:
– I’m sorry
– Lol good luck with that
– Who isn’t?
– I know, mom
– Does that mean I can have your office
– You fool. You silly little fool
– Prove it by naming me as your sole life insurance beneficiary

@blade_funner

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

@BromanConsul

I keep my friends close *lean in, whisper* and my anemones closer
“Sir thats very fun but aquarium policy forbids sitting in the touch tank”

@heatherlou_

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

@MatCro

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

@ArfMeasures

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

@mynameisntdave

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish