You Might Also Like
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”