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Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me