[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
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Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Unmatched
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds