Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

A family that plays together cheats.

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before