[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
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WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
good news everyone
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.