Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

ㅤ

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.