POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
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If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Just got to our Airbnb!
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.
“Easy to use instructions.”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.