Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
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Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …