Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
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3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Canadian owl: Eh?
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.