Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

the pigeons are already plenty salty

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

Did you know Yoda has a last name?

It’s Layheehoo…

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.