Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi