*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
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Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”