Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

I mean…but I did

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

cyclists

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

#JohnTravolta