Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure