Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?