Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

My flabber has been gasted.

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now