Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

Morning my dudes.

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

?

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious