POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
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“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
thinking about this
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?