Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

Me: *falling asleep*

My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

oh she’s cooked

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

Cop: get down!

Me: *starts dancing*

Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

“and you are November’s PM yes?”