@KalvinMacleod

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

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@Brampersandon_

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

@jellybnbonanza

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

@AaronFullerton

Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, “Yay! I won! Save the whales!”

@RodLacroix

Coworker: You getting a flu shot this year?

Me: No. Why would I want to miss out on sick days & staying home in bed?

Coworker [on phone]: Hi I’d like to cancel my flu shot.

@SteveSuckington

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

@kibblesmith

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

@megantwentytwo

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

@mrtimlong

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.