POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
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Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
That’s incredible! 👌
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend