[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
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So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
in 3 months
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
Meow
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
😎 🍻
