[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
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“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
scared to check what name she chose
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.