Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

the simulation is moving too fast

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here