POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
You Might Also Like
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
this has to be peak English
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
This tweet has been deleted