Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
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[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Mood.. 😂
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are