Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

Oops

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

A duv-egg? In this economy?

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

12653.

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

Midwest trash talk

My hips? Compulsive liars.