Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

Tonight: softball

Tomorrow: Advil

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

I put the I in Insufferable.

This is my bus stop.

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

Me: *no longer going in for a kiss* I’m so sorry, I think I misread this scenario

My driving instructor: no worries brother

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.