Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?