police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
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My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
Happy Thanksgiving
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice