Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?