Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”