police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
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I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
My birth announcement for our third baby
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on