Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

Always…

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

smh

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

Stick it to the man

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.