[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
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You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.