Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer