Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.