Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.