Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1241792700065746946/pu/vid/720x1280/Zj7LI08ITui0em0d.mp4?tag=10

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

seems like a niche market

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

Is this a threat?

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?